Here are some suggestions for changing your method of punishment to suit your family.
Ages 0 to 2
Young children are innately curious. Therefore, it is a good idea to get rid of temptations and no-nos; in particular, cleaning supplies and medications should be kept out of reach, as should stereos, jewelry, TVs, and video equipment.
When your crawling infant or wandering toddler approaches an inappropriate or hazardous plaything, calmly say "No" and either take your child out of the area or divert their attention to something more suitable.
Toddlers who need to be disciplined can benefit from timeouts. For instance, if a child has been striking, biting, or throwing food, the reason why the action is improper should be explained before taking the child to a designated timeout location, such as a kitchen chair or bottom stair, for a short period of time to calm down (longer timeouts are not effective for toddlers).
It's crucial to avoid hitting, slapping, or spanking children of any age. It is very improbable that infants and young children will be able to draw any connection between their actions and physical punishment. They will just experience the hit's anguish.
Also keep in mind that children learn by imitating adults, especially their parents. Make sure your conduct is commendable. Instead of just telling your youngster to pick up toys while your items are left scattered about, you'll leave a much greater impression if you put your own things away.
Ages 3 to 5
Make sure you begin communicating the rules of your family's house as your child matures and starts to understand the relationship between acts and consequences.
Before you penalize a child for a conduct, explain to them what you expect of them. When your 3-year-old uses crayons for the first time to decorate the living room wall, talk to them about why it's not appropriate and what will happen if they do it again (for instance, your child will have to help clean the wall and will not be able to use the crayons for the rest of the day). Issue a reminder that crayons are for paper only and then enforce the consequences if the wall is adorned once more a few days later.
Setting this type of "I set the rules and you're expected to listen or accept the penalties" standard early on will be more advantageous for everyone. Although it may be easier for parents to ignore minor transgressions or not follow through with promises of punishment, this sets a bad example. Empty threats make you look less like a strong parent and make it more likely that your kids will test the limits. Consistency is key to effective discipline, thus if parents are not single, they must jointly develop the norms and uphold them.
Be sure to reward positive actions as you define the behaviors that will be punished. Don't undervalue the impact that your praise can have; discipline is about more than simply punishing bad behavior; it's also about praising excellent behavior. For instance, complimenting a youngster for sharing their toys at playgroup rather than scolding them for not doing so is typically more successful. And instead of merely saying "Good job!" when expressing appreciation, be specific. Make it clear which behaviors you enjoyed by doing so. This increases the likelihood that they will occur in the future since our attention to a behavior increases its propensity to persist.
If nothing you do changes your child's inappropriate conduct, try creating a chart with boxes for each day of the week. Make a decision regarding how many times your child can disobey before receiving a punishment or how long the right behavior must be displayed before receiving a reward. Keep a daily record of the acceptable and inappropriate actions by posting the chart on the refrigerator. This will provide both you and your child a clear picture of how things are progressing. When it starts to work, congratulate your youngster for learning to manage bad behavior and, especially, on solving any challenging issues.
Children at this age can benefit from timeouts as well. Choose a distraction-free timeout location, such as a chair or bottom step. Keep in mind that if your room has a computer, TV, or games, sending you there won't be very effective. A timeout also involves a break from all forms of reinforcement. Therefore, when your child is in a timeout, you shouldn't pay them any attention, such as through chatting, making eye contact, etc.
Make careful to take your child's needs into account while determining the ideal duration. According to experts, a good rule of thumb is one minute for every year of age; some experts advise utilizing the timeout until the youngster is calmed down (to teach self-regulation). If you give your child a timeout because they disobeyed instructions, make sure to carry out the instruction following the timeout.
It's crucial to teach children the proper thing to do as well as the incorrect thing to do. Try saying "Please sit on the furniture and put your feet on the floor" instead of "Don't jump on the couch."
Make careful to issue concise, unambiguous instructions. Say "Please put your shoes on" as opposed to "Could you please put your shoes on?" This eliminates all ambiguity and dispels the notion that you can choose whether or not to follow instructions.
Ages 6 to 8
For this age group, timeouts and consequences are also useful disciplinary techniques.
Again, consistency and follow-through are essential. If you make any discipline commitments, keep them, or you run the risk of losing your authority. Children need to know that you truly mean what you say. This is not to imply that you cannot grant second chances or a certain amount of leeway, but generally speaking, you should follow through on your promises.
Avoid making irrational promises of punishment while you're angry ("Slam that door and you'll never watch TV again!"). If you don't follow through, your threats may all be rendered ineffective. Make sure you follow through on your threat to reverse the car and drive home if the argument in the backseat doesn't end. In comparison to a lost beach day, the credibility you'll develop with your children is far more valuable.
Massive penalties might rob you of your parental authority. Your child may not feel motivated to alter behaviour if they are grounded for a month since everything has already been taken away. Setting objectives for children to achieve in order to regain privileges that were lost due to misbehavior may be helpful.
Ages 9 to 12
As with children of all ages, this age group can be disciplined using fair punishment. Teaching kids to deal with the consequences of their actions is an effective and suitable technique of discipline as they grow older and want greater independence and responsibility.
Should you have your fifth-grader stay up late to finish their schoolwork, for instance, or perhaps help them out yourself? Most likely not, as you'll pass on a chance to impart a valuable life lesson. If homework is left unfinished, your child will report to school the next day without it and receive a failing mark.
Although it's normal for parents to desire to shield their children from errors, in the long run, doing so benefits the children. Kids who see the consequences of bad behavior are more likely to refrain from repeating similar errors. Set up some of your own to help alter the behavior, but, if your child doesn't seem to be learning from them. For this age range, taking away privileges like devices can be a good punishment.
Ages 13 and Up
You've already established the foundation. Your kid is aware of the rules and understands that the consequences for misbehavior are real. Now is not the time to relax your guard; teaching teens to follow rules is just as crucial as teaching smaller children. Your teen needs boundaries, just like the 4-year-old who needs you to establish and enforce a bedtime.
Establish ground rules for homework, friend visits, curfews, and dating, and talk them out in advance with your adolescent to avoid misunderstandings. Your teen will likely grumble from time to time, but they will also come to terms with the fact that you are in charge. Even when you give them more freedom and responsibility, kids still want and need you to enforce rules and maintain order in their lives.
It might seem like the best course of action to remove privileges when your kid does breach a rule. While taking away the automobile for a week, for instance, is fair, be sure to also go through why staying up an hour over curfew is unacceptable and worrying.
Don't forget to give a teenager some discretion. This will lessen your power battles and encourage your adolescent to respect the choices you do have to make. You might delegate authority to a younger teen so that they can choose their own clothes for school, hairstyles, and even the state of their room. That range of control may be widened as your teen matures to occasionally include a lax curfew.
It's crucial to keep your attention on the good things. Instead of imposing an earlier curfew as punishment for reckless behavior, for instance, let your child earn a later curfew by exhibiting good behavior.
A Word About Spanking
Spanking is one of the most contentious methods of punishment. Experts advise against spanking for the following reasons:
- Spanking teaches children that it is acceptable to strike out in anger.
- Spanking children can cause them physical harm.
- Instead of educating children on how to alter their conduct, spanking instills in them a dread of their parents and a desire to avoid being caught.
- The act of spanking a child who is acting out to get attention may "reward" them; after all, any attention is preferable to none.
